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Why I Didn't Come Forward: The Truth Behind Why We Remain Silent After Assault & Abuse

Uncategorized Sep 24, 2018

I Didn't Report it Either: The Truth Behind Why We Remain Silent After Assault & Abuse

I see that a lot of women are coming forward sharing their stories of why they didn't come forward and I feel I need to share my piece of this as well to help support the women who are not believed and questioned when they finally come forth.

And to tell my own story as PROOF that sometimes you can't speak up because of what happens to you DURING TRAUMA. 

It makes me ANGRY as hell that we have to even talk about this in the first place, but I'm doing this because I want people to understand how incredibly deep this runs. 

And how utterly confusing it is when something like this happens to you. 

Because here's what happens: 

You teeter between leaving your body and going numb, to burying it deep in your subconscious, to trying to rationalize how somehow it is normal or OK and create new beliefs that somehow YOU CAUSED IT.

And that becomes a brain pattern and belief system that will stay with you FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE... unless you heal it.

For me, I am blessed and lucky enough to have had the guidance and the tools to untangle this mess and reset my brain, so I no longer have emotional charges attached to this story.

But damn, am I grateful I have the tools and the wisdom to tell it and explain it, and to be able to help others move through this and heal the same way I have.

And let me tell you; as a woman who has been studying women, energy, healing, and even the brain for quite some time, the DEPTHS and OLD PROGRAMMING to which this goes is DEEP. 

It is systemic. It is behavioral and primal. And it needs to STOP. 

So I am supporting women speaking up and this is why.

Want to know what happened and what it looks like to be caught in this cycle and not speak up and why you might stay silent?

 Then read on because this is my story.  {Trigger warnings for women who have been through sexual trauma} 


 

The first time it happened to me I was only 13.  And a senior boy who was quite the heartthrob and the captain of a team and a slew of other amazing titles invited me to lunch. And I WAS SOOOOOOO EXCITED!

But when it was time to go to lunch, instead of going to the mall,  he drove me to a house that belonged to his friend.

He said he had to feed a cat while she was away and I believed him.

But there was no cat and he took me to an attic in an empty house where he began to put his hands all over me.

I was scared and uncomfortable and also FROZEN in fear. But I did not fight back or speak up because I had left my body and I literally lost all motor function and ability to say anything. 

Instead, I felt myself watch myself allow him to touch me and say horrible things to me because there was nothing else I could do.

And part of me thought, "well even though he lied and this feels wrong....he said he liked me. Maybe this is how having a boyfriend is supposed to be" because I was only 13 and quite naive. 

And after he was done we got in the car where he drove me home.

No lunch. But he did tell me if I told anyone what had happened he would tell everyone other terrible things about me.  AND I BELIEVED HIM.

So I stayed silent.

Out of fear and also out of confusion.  Because even though it was terrible, I still thought MAYBE he liked me because that was what he said... and why would he LIE?

And all I really wanted was to be loved.

So I did not tell anyone.

But this is not the only time this happened to me. And a similar thing happened later that year with another senior boy.

And again, I did not tell anyone. 

Instead, I held that memory and fear ingrained in my being and my mind and it created a pattern of armoring myself and shrinking in fear, while men did this to me and it created a deep belief that somehow I was responsible for this...

:

And then when I was just getting settled in New York it happened again.

I was newly 23 and working as a cocktail waitress at a nightclub when my boss who was much older asked me to dinner. And I said yes.

I was excited when he picked me up in his Mercedes, but when it came time to eat, I noticed we were going over the bridge to Queens. 

I had just moved to New York and didn't know the trains and bridges well, but I knew enough to know that that was not good and that he lived on Long Island.

And when I asked him where we were going and he told me the restaurant was closed now. And it was my fault because I was late so dinner was canceled. {I had worked until 6 instead of 5 that day at my 2nd job at a hair salon.}

And we got off the Long Island Expressway and kept driving. And then I saw us pulling into a driveway leading to his GIANT house.

When he brought me inside and locked the door I felt trapped; like I had no choice but to stay and take it and there was no way out.

Because it had happened before, I knew what was coming and what to do...

So I froze again in fear. I went numb and waited until it was over.

And when it was, I went and hid in his bathroom, curled up in a ball sleeping in the bathtub while clinging to his golden retriever.

The next day he drove me back into New York and told me not to tell anyone or I'd be fired.

And that meant losing my job which I thought I needed if I was going to pay my rent.

And also, this man had ties to the mob and I was afraid of what might happen.

So I never said a word, and when I could quit I did.

But that fear never left my body.

:

Luckily, this was the last time this ever happened to me-, but that experience haunted me my whole life until I learned how to heal it.

And the first step of healing was RECOGNIZING THAT I WAS WRONGED. And I was never at fault for what had happened.

But that took me YEARS of healing and the help of some absolutely incredible beings to do so.

And when I could, I spoke up. In my case the one man is dead and the others I have no interest in going after at this point.

But the point of this is this:

If you have been sexually assaulted or hurt or abused-- during the time it happens your mind, body, and soul are INCREDIBLE.

They will do EVERYTHING IN ITS POWER to act as an anesthetic to help you get through the pain. And so you won't FEEL it at the time. 

And even after, your brain will try to help you too by creating new stories or memories to protect you. It will change the memories to keep you safe.

So you might have NO CLUE honestly that anything happened to you.

And then one day the truth is triggered and you remember. 

That trauma pops its head up and out of the closet and you can suddenly FEEL it and SEE it again.

And it is terrifying and freeing at once.

And THIS is when women speak up.

It might take months or years for this to happen, and when it does, it is important to LISTEN.

:

I really honestly hate that I know trauma and pain and fear and sexual abuse as well as I do. And it is both a blessing and a curse that I can tell you EXACTLY what this feels like because it happened to me too.

And I spent YEARS learning about it.

But I was impassioned when I saw that this can be healed. And I fell in love with the work that makes it so that we can heal.

And I am sorry we have to talk about this, but it's time and we do.

Because this is just MY story of how it happened to me and there are MILLIONS of women with stories like these.

My job as a healer, teacher, and expert in helping women is to tell the truth and this is it.

And it makes complete sense how this could happen.

But the good news is we have the tools to stop it. 

And it begins with LISTENING, TRUSTING, HONORING & BELIEVING. #ibelievesurvivors #metoo #timesup


Curious to know more about this? 

Watch The Sinner Season 1 on USA or Sharp Objects on HBO and you will see what I mean.

These are two stellar TV shows that show how truly powerful the mind can be.

Or buy a copy of my book Simply Woman; Stories From 30 Magnificent Women Who Have Risen Against the Odds  and read the stories of women who have come forward to share their experiences with courage and heart. 

And if you have experienced rape, assault, or abuse and need help healing, contact me here to learn how tools like timeline healing, NLP, energy work and Neuroplasticity can help you not only recover but REBUILD.  

I have spent the last 11 years  training to support you through this and I promise you, you do NOT have to go through this alone. 

I AM here to help.  

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