Today I arose feeling magically clear on why I began my journey almost 10 years ago. Because somedays I feel like Odysseus blown about the world with no way to get home. And when that happens I often ask myself, "WTF was I thinking... going on this stupid QUEST to find myself... was it really worth it??"
And then I have to pause and breathe and remember the day I first set eyes on my teacher Derek. And it all comes flooding back to me...
It's easy to forget that 10 years ago, I was a totally broken woman. And my heart wasn't just ripped in two. It was ripped into a million pieces.
And so when I saw him so kindly loving a woman who was just as broken as I, I fell in love. I used to think it was his "magic" I was in love with; his impeccable ability to pull consciousness from thin air, or his powerful energy when knocking a pattern out of someone's being. But it wasn't that that I really wanted. It was his love. And the ability to love myself and others the same way he had.
And that is when I could see the point of the quest. And the reason why someone would ever "runaway" trying to find themselves.
Because it's actually scarier to be with your pain than it is to chase love. And so that is why I ran away to God when I was a little girl.
Even when I was sitting in my home in Connecticut watching my family self combust, I have many fond memories of sitting in trees or playing in the mud. Because that was the only place where I could find God or the peace I was looking for.
So naturally when I woke up today trembling over having made "another mistake", I wanted to run again... back into the arms of the only man who could possibly ever love me with all my warts and secrets.
But knowing what I know, that never works so I got out of bed and got out my daily grid and did my "work" one more bloody time.
I wish we could heal and never have to look back, but the truth is that healing is ongoing and so even after ten years of being blown about this earth and chasing after God, I am STILL feeling pain and that sucks.
But at the same time, I remember that pain is the flipside of pleasure and I need to remember that, or I get cut off from reality and will continue to run away instead of sitting up close with my stories instead.
The truth is, learning to be with pain is a lot harder than floating about the planet on some never-ending journey to find love and it's probably why my soul constantly leads me back to my own nature and heart every single day.
And on days like today when I feel just plain unsure what to do and I want to fill that empty space with SOMETHING to make the anxiety or the worry stop, I end up here with my pen and paper, my coffee cup and my self.
Because nothing and no one will ever have the answers to that riddle I am constantly seeking the answer for.
And no one will ever love me enough to satisfy that aching need I feel in my heart.
Somedays that realization is chilling. And others, it is so comforting to know that I don't have to waste time searching for the right person or the right job or the right "fit" to make me whole.
And the responsibility of "completing myself" ala Jerry McGuire is a solo job.
That makes me feel better when I realize most of my life I've been on this adventure alone. And it helps me feel better when my loneliness sets in.
If you want to be a fully realized person, it doesn't "have to hurt" and yet for some reason my journey has felt rather painful every step of the way.
So what I do next will rely on that decision of how the rest of the journey goes...
Do I continue to ping off the walls like a ball being bounced around at sea? Or do I sit back, relax, and let the wind guide me home.
At this point, it's a challenge to let go of the sails and trust. But when I sit in meditation that is exactly the goal.